Chapter 15 how to outwit the six ghosts of fear.
Fear well that’s a big thing in my own life. This is such a powerful chapter personally that have to look deep inside about so many things. Unfortunately for years there has been so much fear driven into me especially from my own father. He’s green and living with him crushed me because was unable to express myself as a person. There was no way to speak up with him, he’d get angry because wasn’t good enough for him. Yes do follow in his patterns at home. Away from home do not! Have learnt to be someone totally different at home from the real me. However there memories of fear from own youth being literally petrified of power tools, knifes, even people.
Have done everything to try to make dad happy as a person, even let go of own dreams and goals for the sake of him and other members of the family. I love my family so much and there was never a problem giving hugs and saying I love you to mum. That was always great, however unfortunately over 5 years now my grandmother who was the most loving woman knew a supportive encouraging woman had to be placed into a nursing home owing to dementia. That crushed me as a person having lost the one woman who meant the world to me. Granny passed away in 2010 whist at work on the overnight watch. It was hard enough as that was a solo shift and was not sure who to call to replace me at 2 am in the morning.
Anyway it took many years to even find someone who cared enough like my grandmother did, having seen myself grow from such over these last few months. Yet have had to say to myself recently will go whole life should I never find love that’s ok. Had been searching for own source of love for many years and was scared owing to having people criticise me for own love as a person. They literally drove fear into own life of love and so much more.
In own youth would express love in notebooks and journals, would express fondness for someone whether it was love as per true love, love as per familial, love as per friendship or another crush now the hard part was people found one of the notebooks read such and caused a lot of issues for me. Yet they never admitted doing the wrong, yes was guliable and trusted everyone. Yet this caused a lot of pain for own love. To me love means I care about the person.
Now I have also developed a fear of violence from being bashed at times in high school, that’s hard that touch was never easy. Yet losing own grandmother was the worst pain of all, granny meant the world to me. It wasn’t the same as the pain of being a parent, it just hurt because I loved her so much. It was her time to go, yet would of done anything to of brought her back. Granny was a inspiration to me, the one thing fear most is losing someone so dear to me again as everytime do I literally lose a part of myself and spend years in a intense pain.
Yes can see a lot of the other fears in myself as a person such as worry, ill health and more. Having not known what was able to do for employment which allowed me to keep my health as well as spend the time could with those nearest and dearest to me. Knowing that health could go down hill quite quickly should not be taken care of easily, that has been the greatest challenge. That could not speak of abilities because of being criticised or asked when are you going to get better. However the answer is am not going to get better. This is life for me, had to feel cared about enough to express such or would not speak of such.
Anyway as you can see the live lived was one of intense fear. Fear has been driven in me all of own life from the bullies at work and school meaning had to develop that tough shell to shield me before felt secure and safe to say this is me.
Thank you to Michael, Willena, Ken, Shelly and Mervyn for your inspiration and guidance. You have all helped me to retrieve the loving guy who was cowering and hiding, unable to give hugs and unable to express himself at all. You are the most wonderful people know, its time to learn to be safe again to no longer look around and scan the environment to ensure own safety which do in public.
To the mental cleanse participants thank you for your lessons which inspire me.
I love, appreciate and care for you all so much.
Ben Drake,
Sydney NSW Australia.
Lesson from Chapter 15 of think and grow rich for the 30 day mental cleanse.
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