The Champion Within Article

Communicating with Your Middle and High School Age Child by Denis Waitley

First you listen, then you talk. The parent who takes the role of listener is in complete control. It’s important to take the time to listen to your children. Don’t say “in just a minute” or “not right now.” Make it clear that you are listening and trying to understand your child’s point of view.

Learning to listen better can help transform your relationship with your child by making him or her feel appreciated, by increasing trust, and by helping to solve problems more quickly. If you’re going to give your adolescent or teen your full attention, you’re going to need to become a good listener.

And to become a better listener, you’re going to need to reduce or eliminate both physical and psychological barriers. Physically, you’re going to want to minimize distractions so you can pay attention. You might turn off the TV or the radio, or put away your magazine. Take a deep breath (this will prevent you from interrupting and provide your brain with invigorating oxygen), and maintain eye contact as you consciously decide to listen.

You probably think you’re a pretty good conversationalist, and you’re probably right. But take a moment to ask yourself if you talk to your teen using open-ended versus dead-ended questions. The latter require just a “yes” or “no” answer. That’s economical but not very enlightening.

Which is more typical of your conversations?

You: “Did you have a good day at school?”

Kid: “It was O.K.”

That’s the end of the conversation because the answer is too complex and to a child who hears it every day, it sounds automatic. So you get an automatic, routine answer.

— or —

You: “You look like you survived the tryouts for the soccer team.”

Let’s say he or she responds by saying he didn’t make the team and is disappointed. You could follow up by responding:

“That must be tough playing under the coach’s scrutiny like that. Were you nervous?”

“Do you agree with the coach’s decision?”

“Will you try out again next year?”

“If you and I play a lot this year would that help you for next year?”

“Hmmm. Sounds as if you’re disappointed but determined to work to improve. Is that right?”

None of these responses would have likely followed if you just asked the dead-ended question, “Was school O.K. today?” and you would have missed an opportunity to have a more in-depth exchange. Remember, a real conversation gets two people involved, not just going through the motions.

Three issues to consider:

Timing: Teens don’t want to be ignored or intruded upon so try giving them some time and distance when they come home from school. The idea is not to ignore school but try greeting them with a statement rather than a question. “You look like you survived the tryouts for the soccer team,” not “How were tryouts for the soccer team?” Middle and high school is a lot about privacy so think of it as a verbal hug in the form of a statement.

Tone: Kids will often hear judgment when none is intended. A simple statement like, “You’re awfully quiet today,” can be taken as accusatory or empathic, and can cause your child to become unresponsive to avoid criticism. Try to make your statements specific and nonjudgmental. “That must be tough playing under the coach’s scrutiny like that.”

Topic: Kids are more likely to respond to questions that focus on what matters to them. “If you and I play a lot this year would that help you for next year?” Take the time and make the effort to have your teen believe he or she has your full attention and is really being heard. You’ll likely find that in return he or she is more willing to listen to you.

Practice the skill of listening with your teen and watch your relationship with them begin to transform!

—Denis Waitley

“If once you forfeit the confidence of your fellow-citizens, you can never regain their respect and esteem.” —Abraham Lincoln
Denis Waitley delves into this issue with his DVD Raising Confident Kids. The DVD is featured in the Family and Relations DVD package, a special limited-time offer to educate yourself on proven personal-growth tactics from world-renowned experts in their fields! Only $79, this 10-DVD set will help enrich your relationships and grow your network.
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