Finding myself

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As I am on this path I have come to realise why with a number of things. I have come to understand a number of things and for me it’s time to experience life. Sometimes someone has to find themselves in order to understand what they are to be in their life. That can be a really challenge finding oneself at times, it literally means removing all that rubbish programming from your own mind. For some people that takes work and time. This is owing to their environment they are exposed to. Some people have their lives torn apart and are in therapy for years owing to their up brining. Some people are brought up in fear, that they are literally treated so badly that they live in fear.

To this degree they are condition to behave, they are taught do not step out of line. Do not speak your own opinion they are discouraged at an early age from having their own opinion. They are conditioned and taught no this is how you will behave and what you will do. You will do what I say no matter what, for me I personally grew up in a home which was not easy. It still is not, the one thing I have noticed is that I can be in a good mood for most of the day and when someone else comes home with a foul mood it does not help as it sets the whole place to be on edge. So what that means is that my exposure to negative or bad mood is quite intense, that someone else has such powerful influence over me when they have had a bad day.

Now it’s hard yet it’s part of what I need to work on distancing myself from those bad influences. I was reading one of books yesterday and it started to make sense a lot of things. I have lived in fear for so long now it’s not funny fear of so many things because it was how I was brought up. Fear of my own safety and more, I see it all the time here at home. I was trying my hardest to cope and also trying to say look I just cannot deal with this. Owing to the fact that I did not see that it was going on, I sat there denying the fact that such had been going on. I am unable to change the past; yet I can certainly change the future, I can make it better stronger and not live in the current environment I have that choice not to accept those peoples rubbish weather they like it or not.

Now the one thing I realised is that for years I have been screaming out to others love me, I want someone to nurture me. I managed to find those people recently, the people who I know are going to be great support. However the hardest part is that I need that love, support, nurturing, encouragement and more. I want it more than anything and that is something that’s been missing in my life. Right now it’s what is necessary, yet I have also made a decision and well I am pleased with that decision. It’s time to implement that decision and work on it, for me I want to live my life and there is a number of things that would be lovely to know.

I know that my life is better now than it’s been in years however I do need to work on many things. There are many experiences that would be just awesome to experience and I know that since I was young that I had always wanted to know love, romance and more. Why well that’s part of my own individual personality it’s who I am. Now the one thing I realised yesterday at a meeting for my volunteer role is just how respected I am by my colleagues who will do anything to help. They know I will do the same.

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Be a mentor with a servants heart Ben Drake