Chapter 9 Persistence
This is a powerful chapter personaly and combined with last week’s chapter on decision it has helped me to grow even more. For many years I have persisted in the search for love, to find someone who cared enough about me to put their judgements aside. For many years I have saught a intermite relationship with someone who was prepared to accept me as a person.
For many years I was unable to see myself in any such relationship littleown a parent owing to the false programming of many critical friends and family members. Health, weight, who was as a person all contributed to such. I took it all on board, the issue became that I got lost trying to be someone who I was not because I was seeking their approval as a person.
Secretly I lived in fear because of people ridiculing me for the love which I had as a person, this has cost me many friends as they were unable to understand my intense love for others. How much I cared about people as a whole. It has taken years to realise that myself who I truly am as a person because I was so hurt and the pain of my own past which was being constantly played out in my own head.
The pain was so intense that I literally internalised and hated myself for being unable and unwilling to stick up for myself. To say that is unacceptable, when I did often it was ignored or ridiculed. Despite such I continued to search for someone who truly cared and then I came to the mental cleanse a real growth curve for myself and I have persisted.
Anyway after many years being unable to find someone who truly cared I managed to find someone who cared enough about me as a person. They have shown me they care so much, although its been rough and its going to take work. I am determined to make this work, for me the ultimate was never things. It was a family of my own, my own kids. Being a father was my dream and somehow some way I am going to make that happen.
The hardest part was I never fully understood or knew how I would be able to provide for a family of my own with the state of health at times, for me my company came to me at a time when I needed to change my health and I am glad about that. I have persisted and know that it has the ability to provide what is needed. Its now working on that intermit relationship, its time for me to do that and to be able to have a family of my own.
Yes I know people may be unhappy about such, yet its my own life and I have chosen to do such. I have to walk away from those people who are going to constantly drag me down as a person.
Thank you to Michael, linda, Willena, Ken for your mentoring guidance and love. Your acceptance and support. Thank you to the wonderful mental cleanse participents who inspire me to be who am as a person again.
I love you all so much,
Ben Drake
Mona Vale, Sydney NSW Australia
Personal lesson plan on chapter 9 for the 30 day mental cleanse.
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